Ruminations, Musings and Other Stuff…

I was looking back at the last few entries I’ve made (something I don’t do all that often for some reason), and I was struck, though not all that surprised, by the gloomy nature of them.  So I feel obligated to note that, predominantly, I’m a really happy person.  I guess I’ve just been on a tear lately for one reason or another.  Most folks who like to write tend to write about things that effect them greatly and, being the empathetic soul I am, I guess when I get pissed, sad, or depressed I feel the need to access that kind of therapy.

But the facts are, is that my life is really blessed.

I have an incredible wife, my family loves me very much, I’ve been lucky to meet some truly amazing people in my life time that I’ve been very fortunate to call friends.  I’ve got my health, I’ve got a good job that pays well, and even though we’re not there yet, Mel and I are close to living out our dreams (It just took us a bit to find out what they were ).  Not to mention I’ve seen the future in my little niece and if there’s more of her out there; we’re in really good hands folks!

So seriously, I’ve got it really good, in both the conventional and literal sense.

The next step, I feel, is to use my time wisely, living for me and Mel, but also for the rest of world around me. It seems impossible at first, but there are always ways to affect our world for the better. I tell you, it’s amazing what just one genuine act of kindness can do.  After a while you sense the ripple effect and, eventually, it comes back to you.

So while my black-hole of a brain tends to take over this blog, my heart will always ground me, filter out the B.S. and get me focused on what’s truly important.  I guess I should let it have more of a voice once and a while.

On that note, I hope you do what makes you smile folks!  And try your best to do the same for others.

It’s always worth it.

It’s tough.
Tough like nails
Hammered…

Into our thoughts…
our hearts… at every turn.
Both literal and metaphor
Words flood our ears and eyes.
Death, disease, famine, murder…

But from what?

Glowing boxes that tell you how to live.
Complete strangers with perfect hair.
Messages from the air
Riding invisible rails with direct flights,
right into our homes.

Exploiting comfort and calm.
Wasting quiet minutes
burning time and breath
with video of flames.

It’s so easy isn’t it?

Its given right to you.
Fed with a silver spoon.
Anesthetizing your shitty day,
with somebody else’s that is worse.

You could unplug.
Really you could.
But the remote is “over there”.
And your pretty comfy…
About to fall asleep.

At one point our elders told us
something.  What was it?

Oh yeah…

“When I was your age…
… we didn’t HAVE TV.”

Didn’t have mass media.

Didn’t have it so easy.

“When I was your age.
All we had was each other.”

And for that… that memory….

I am thankful.

It struck me on our trip two weekends ago out to Black Mountain NC (documented in STUNNING detail on tadandmel.com), how much trust came into play. It was almost as if something way beyond any of us was sending a little bit of a signal, not an overbearing one mind you, but a subtle one. Situations, both small and HUGE, forced me to put my trust in complete strangers each day and while I found it completely unnerving, it also grounded me somewhat.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been a pretty guarded and untrusting person. And while I can’t exactly tell you where it all started, I do know it all stems from being burned one too many times when it counted, let down by people I cared deeply about and a fairly low self esteem.

No doubt, this attitude is totally to my detriment. I sometimes think about how many passing interactions or even friendships I’ve missed out on because of my introverted ways, but, like many things, I can’t seem to turn it off. It’s a part of me. For better or worse.

But sometimes life throws you a curveball, and, try as you may, you simply can’t avoid it. Hopefully you don’t have to face an abject fear, or do something you dread, but maybe, just maybe, you’ll have to trust someone blindly and completely. Putting faith in a stranger who took the time out of their life.

Took the time for you.

I was recently put in that exact situation with Mel! It forced me to trust people, not just one person, but pretty much everyone we encountered. It wasn’t a cataclysmic event at all, especially in the grand scheme of things, but all the ingredients that cause my head to cave in (aside from air plane turbulence) converged on me almost immediately.

I was, well… I was everything! Angry at myself, sad to be in the situation, afraid that Mel was involved, hungry, you name it… my head was a total bitter cocktail; shaken not stirred.

And then it happened.

That “every once in a while” I mentioned above. When that curve ball I simply can’t avoid gets thrown, where I can’t just “fix it”, and I need a little help. I pass this thresh hold where I make amends with those crazy demons in my head, and I make a deal with them.

If you can be quiet for a few hours, I promise I’ll let you back in.

It’s then that something inside me smooths out and I become that proverbial leaf riding on the gentle current of a stream, bumping off obstacles, flowing beyond the quagmire I’m currently in. Trusting that somehow, something or someone, will show me a way out, placing myself in the hands of strange forces I don’t understand and strange people I’ve never met.

Once I get over my constant avoidance of things “unknown”. Once I get over myself. It, for the most part, has been an intensely rewarding experience. I’m liberated each time and I often learn (or relearn at this juncture of my life) something new about myself, or, and this priceless to me, I make a connection with a fellow human being that I’ll never forget.

And what a wonderful feeling it is. Overcoming all those hardwired inclinations only to find something better!

By far, of all the emotions humans can feel, I treasure love and fear the most. They both make you feel alive in their own way, leaving you different from when they first found you.

Isn’t it remarkable that the simple act of trust, more often than not, contains both?